I Hate Valentine’s Day: A Quiz

Hey there, lovebirds! If you’re reading this, that means it’s Valentine’s Day, and if you’re like me, that means you hate it a lot because it’s always a messy, violent, misunderstanding-filled nightmare that ends up with going to jail. Like every time.

But maybe you’re a big idiot like me, and always trick yourself into thinking this year it’ll be different. Before you commit to that, take this quiz for a little dose of reality.

QUESTION 1

You decide to visit the person you want to ask on a date at their workplace, but the security looks pretty tight. How do you proceed?

This will be easy. Just turn on the charm and seduce the security personnel. Wear a condom - safety first, security guards statistically get seduced more than any other career, I’ll bet.
Time to get tactical. Head back to the entrance to the building, as far back as you can get, and then charge at the security desk waving your arms and screaming like a maniac. These guards usually don’t have weapons, and they’ll just run away or call the cops. You can get done what you need to get done before the cops show.
Dress up as somebody likely to show up at their workplace, like a pizza guy, or somebody delivering flowers, or gallon jugs of vinegar, something common. It’s Valentine’s Day, they won’t even ask for your name probably.

QUESTION 2

You manage to get in, and quickly become lost. You realize you have no idea what department your love interest works in, or even what their name is. You only saw them the once, after all. How are you going to find them?

Let fate guide you. Close your eyes and keep walking until you run into them, or fall over trying. Warning: do not try this in stairwells.
Start punching holes in the walls like breadcrumbs so you don’t keep revisiting the same places. It’s okay, these places are insured for this kind of thing, and it gives the maintenance people something to do. Everyone’s a winner!
You found them on Facebook even though they use an assumed name - unless Daffy Duck really is their name, which is fascinating - you’ll find them here, too, especially when you use details from the photos from the company Christmas party to triangulate their position.

QUESTION 3

Bingo! You somehow managed to find them! There they are, sitting in their cubicle, typing away, totally unaware of both your presence and your existence in general, but all that is about to change. How is it about to change?

Immediately profess your feelings for them, in the form of an improvisational song or poem shouted from on top of their desk.
Show them their disdain for working culture, and how it’s getting in the way of your love. Launch their computer monitor out the window and proclaim, “No more work today! Only love!”
Do a sexy dance or some kind of strip tease wearing a banner with the only name you know of theirs: Daffy Duck. If you can rhyme a swear in their sexily, go for it.

QUESTION 4

The work thing goes bad. Real bad. To make it up for it, you hire your friend Mack to do some skywriting in the plane he won at bingo or something, but you forgot that Mack does acid more than anybody you know and doesn’t really have a pilot’s license, and has never flown his plane before. He was just going to spell your date’s first name, but instead managed to spell most of the word “fartwoman” before crashing into a parking garage. Nobody was hurt except for Mack, which sucks because you can’t even get your money back. What do you do?

Soften your gaze and say, “I’ve always liked Fartwoman as a little girl’s name. What do you think?”
Go punch Mack anyway. Maybe you can send him just a little further into Hell.
Cleverly inform your date that your sister’s name is Fartwoman and you were just showing off how much you love and respect your sister.

QUESTION 5

Since you are no longer allowed to approach them at work, and they have stopped responding to your messages on Facebook, you obtain their address and send them a handwritten letter professing your feelings for them. Quite honestly, it’s the best thing you’ve ever written other than that sign for the garage sale. It’s time to wrap it up, though - how do you end the letter?

“You are my dreams, my future, my everything. Please be my Valentine and join me at the Applebees.”
“My heart beats with the intensity of a sun that also beats like a heart and I promise I will vanquish anyone that stands in our way, both at the Applebee’s, and in life.”
“And finally, I promise that if you go to Applebee’s with me, you might also get to tour a police station, too, when you come to bail me out later, because - full transparency, here - that’s gonna happen.”

QUESTION 6

Against all odds, you manage to get a date with this person, despite your mistakes. So you start calling around to make a reservation, but everybody is booked, and the Applebee’s guy just laughs at you and hangs up before you can say anything. You shrug and decide to take your chances, so you pick up your date and take them to the first place you can think of (Applebee’s) but the wait is four hours and your date is being unreasonable about this. How are you going to move ahead in line?

Seduce the host or hostess at the restaurant. This will be tricky because you’ll be seemingly betraying your date right in front of them, but you’ll counter this by first announcing “watch this”, because that automatically softens the impact of whatever it is you’re about to do because they’re in on it.
It’s time to start punching again. But be smart about it, don’t punch the servers or nobody will be able to bring you food. Punch the customers so they’ll leave and a table will open up. If you’re smart, you may only have to punch one or two people, saving your knuckle strength for another day.
Bribe as many people as you have to to get a table, even if that means you have to ditch on the bill when it comes. Think of it as having paid in advance, through a selective distribution of funds.

QUESTION 7

Having failed in every other possible way, you have decided to cook your date a romantic dinner, but your stupid apartment’s ancient wiring causes breakers to trip every time you forget and use the microwave, the air fryer, and the coffee maker all at once. This time your power won’t come on, you don’t have any replacement fuses, and the landlord isn’t answering her texts. What do you do?

It’s time for a candlelit dinner. You don’t have any matches and your only have one of those long lights you use for lighting fireplaces, and your only candles are one that smells strongly of bubblegum and one that smells like turkey or something. But it’s okay, your date will understand, even when you both get a headache from the fumes.
People respect it when you show confidence in your interactions, so confidently destroy the offending appliances in a showy fashion, which is sure to impress your date.
You don’t exactly have a fireplace, but you can make one with ersatz materials if you’re feeling up to it. An oven, for example, is a fine fireplace, and so romantic to toast marshmallows and dogs in.

QUESTION 8

Later, in the holding cell, as you are reviewing your recent mistakes, and why they probably mean your date will never talk to you again, your new friend Lenny the cellmate takes a liking to you, and offers to make you blow him. How do you react?

Aw heck, why not? You’ve been looking for love, and so is Lenny. So maybe you’ve both been looking in the wrong places. Everything happens for a reason,including Lenny committing armed robbery and aggravated assault on a police officer on the same night as you made your little mistakes.
Lenny may be your best friend in the jail cell right now, but you’re nobody’s bitch. You’ve got teeth, don’t you? You know what to do.
Trick Lenny into Hulking out and beating up that other guy who’s been eyeing you. The result will be a sort of camaraderie that makes Lenny more interested in you as a person, than in your mouth skills.

SCORING

Mostly A’s — You’re a real romanceer, aren’t you? I’ll bet you get lots of dates! Good for you, I hope you choke on your sweet little heart, you fucking jerk!

Mostly B’s — I’m not saying violence isn’t a good idea because it usually is, but I’m guessing you probably know some cops by first name and not because you’re friends.

Mostly C’s — I like the way you think. You’re wiley, like a fox or a guy dressed like a fox in a TV show. Maybe you didn’t win your date’s heart this time around, but you’ve won mine.