The Adventures of Vault-Man - Episode Episode 2: A New Friend

By Tom Cash - Posted Jan 23, 2026

It’s not easy being a living god. Most mortals quake in fear of you, resent you, or pretend not to notice your aura of wholesome supermasculinity. In fact, most of them do the pretending-not-to-notice act, and it troubles me. Are not my many powers made manifest as I flex and strut about the Diamond City market? Do not my oratory and trading skills enthrall the merchants of this fine shanty town? If I were to deadlift the ro-but that sells the noodles, would you not be impressed?

I decided to make my way back to Nick slowly, taking time to pick through the weapons dealer’s offerings along the way. I picked up an automatic 10mm pistol, some ammo, and a pipe wrench. I prefer to punch things, but it’s wise to diversify your loadout. And never be afraid to improvise. I know it’s not necessary to gouge out a person’s eyes after you’ve caved in their skull with a pipe wrench, but I like to be thorough in my work.

Returning to Nick on the raised platform where Kellogg’s house was situated, I produced the key and with lightning speed I unlocked the door and kicked it open. It was only then that I realized that the door swung outward. I dented the hell out of the door, but it didn’t look very supermanly, and I was glad that I was being accompanied by ro-but, and not a person.

The inside was tiny and barren. Applying my keen intellect, I deduced that the inside of the house was smaller than the outside, and in searching the room, I discovered a red button hidden under a desk. I must confess that I have a weakness for red buttons. The way they call out to you, begging you to press them. The joy when the button is depressed by your reached out fingers. The satisfying click. And the anticipation of whatever pressing the button does.

I slapped that button so hard I actually cracked the casing and now it doesn’t work anymore. Curses! But it triggered a door in the far wall to open, revealing a cache of food and assorted supplies. A half-smoked cigar was sitting in an ashtray. Nick suggested we share this clue with Vault-Dog, and I agreed. The dog, which Nick referred to as Dogmeat, was somehow at his immediate beck and call, and must have been right there in town – had he followed me without my knowledge? I don’t know; all I do know is that Nick whistled, and Vault-Dog was running up the metal ramp to Kellogg’s house less than a minute later. It was unnerving.

I let Vault-Dog sniff the cigar. Even though it was weeks old, he picked up on the trail immediately, and following him, I left Diamond City and eventually came to a set of railroad tracks. We followed these for some time, and then a filthy, hairless bear with massive claws leapt out at us from a bush. It was very difficult to beat to death, but I managed. I later looked down and realized I hadn’t used my pistol,, and to be honest, I had plain old forgotten that was an option!

Eventually, Vault-Dog lead me an old military base, Fort Hagan. It was a fortress, and locked up tight and boarded over from the front. Vault-Dog and I stealthily avoided the automated turrets and made our way to the back, where we spotted some scaffolding which we used to get onto the roof. There we found a door set into the roof. I tore it open and leapt down into the building.

I must admit, I was psychologically unprepared for the sheer number of ro-buts that were protecting Kellogg. The fact that I had no wish to harm their master meant nothing to their cold ro-but brains, and I went into that knowing full well they would try to trick me by welcoming me and not attacking me until I had beaten a few of them to pieces. My knuckles were getting tired, though, so I switched to my pistol, frankly a little excited to punch holes in the faces of evil with bullets instead of fists for a change.

After having shot down scores of ro-buts, I eventually found my way to the basement, where I encountered something so beautiful, so deadly, so singularly amazing, that I stood in awe. There, locked away from the world by a sealed metal door and a cage, where anyone could get it, was a mini nuke launcher.

I decided that such a powerful weapon should only be in the hands of a valiant servant of justice such as myself, so I confiscated it for the betterment of all humanity. Imagine if a child were to find their way down here, shoot scores of ro-buts, hack a computer, unlock a gate, and lug this monstrous thing to the surface? Someone could get hurt!

Down in the most basementy part of the basement I finally found Kellogg. He explained to me that they would have attacked me if I did something to incite them. I didn’t know what that meant, so I just shrugged.

Unfortunately, my new friend did not survive me showing him my new mini nuke. I should have been smarter about this, I suppose. Maybe I should have tested his super-resiliency with a less powerful weapon. Or maybe he was a flawed superhuman. To his credit, he did not break up into chunks.

I checked the computers and learned that the people responsible for my and Kellogg’s condition (the superhuman part, not the him being dead part) was an shadowy, hidden organization known as The Institute. I knew it was time to return to Nick to share my findings.

As I was leaving the building however, I was treated to something truly strange; a massive airship, the size of a building, hanging in midair over Fort Hagan. Was I hallucinating? No way to be sure. I decided not to punch the airship for the time being. Partially because I cannot fly.

But like I said, it was probably my imagination.

If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I absolutely need my own army of ro-bots.

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